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Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke

2009-01-03T16:57:00.002-05:00

The other day I finished Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke. I bought the book last Christmas, but for some reason never picked it up to read. Two Christmases ago I read his book The Hottest State and really enjoyed it. I was not disappointed by Ash Wednesday either.

In the past, when I have read - it has been all about the story. I would often skim to just get the gist of what is going on and not really pay attention to the words that the author had selected. I am certain that my change in attitude is related to the fact that I do some writing myself now and I have a greater appreciate for what it takes to get things on paper. So now I take time - re-read passages and mark things that I enjoy.

What I really liked about The Hottest State and also about Ash Wednesday was the unbelievable true nature of the characters. In this latest read I found myself drawn to the characters because in many ways I relate to the internal struggles they are going through. (I expect many readers feel this way as well.)

Hawke chooses to give us insight into Jimmy and Christy in enough detail that allows you to intimately know them, but at the same time fill in and make them your own. I love their journey through the ups and downs of young love, family drama, and independence. It is a quest for truth and what really matters, what love is perceived to be versus what it truly is, and a refreshing honest look at what much of us deal with every day.

Some of my favorite lines....

Christy talking to Jimmy...
"The truth doesn't need us to protect it. All we have to do is live inside it and it will protect us, right?"

Gordon, a blind man, talking to Christy while they are riding a bus...
"Creation didn't happen. It's happening. Grace will come as you acknowledge how much of every instant is beyond your control. That is freedom. People in this country believe freedom is the ability to choose - I choose a Cadillac over Buick; I'm a Cadillac man; our only avenue to more choice is more money - but choice and money are not freedom. There is a right kind of dissatisfaction. There is a void within us that cannot be filled. This void is our need for God. You must search for and stay within that longing."

Christy talking to Jimmy in a diner...
"Look at me right now. I will never be this person again. When we walk out of here today - when tomorrow morning comes - I will be somebody else, not exactly the same as I am right now. Maybe that is all dying is."

From the same conversation...
"Do you honestly think that we two, here alone at this table, can make each other happy for the rest of our lives? Obviously no, right? I mean, let's face it. Let's look that in the eyes. But happiness is overrated. Nobody that is going to live for more than, like, a couple days is gonna be happy for the rest of their life. So let's forget happiness. The more interesting question is can we build a home together? It is possible? And what is home? Is there a place we can live that is permanent? This little baby in m belly is more at home than it will be for the entirety of its breathing life, and it isn't even born. It will spend virtually every evening, for hopefully the net ninety years, trying to feel as safe and warm in bed as it does right now inside its mama's belly."

Jimmy recounting how he prayed for the Knicks to win a game...
"I realized that prayers a left unanswered for a reason. And that reason is: We have no inkling of what is good for us."

Christy thinking about other stuff as Jimmy rambles on about basketball...
"If we could just love each other and live in truth as much as possible and not act out some idea of what a relationship is suppose to be. To not lie - at all. To be able to sit down, look each other in the eye, and speak out minds freely. To maintain a perspective on the other hand and not wholly judge him in context of yourself. I don't want somebody to stay with me just 'cause he promised to do so eighteen years ago or whatever. He should stay with me because he wants to, because he loves me and believes that being with me is what he needs most deeply. An awake, conscious life, that's all I really desired."

From the "Seven Rules for a Princess" that was given to Christy by her father...
"Hiding, shading, manipulating, or controlling the truth is a waste of everyone's time. The truth exists with or without our acknowledgment. If the truth is unclear, silence is often a useful tool."

Christy describing Jimmy to the Father that will be marrying them...
"He's the most emotionally strong person I've ever met. You can hang on him. He faces problem head on. He challenges me and listens to me. I've known him for a year and a half and I feel like I met him on Tuesday. Either that or maybe I've known him for ten thousand years, I can't tell which."

Jimmy thinking about Christy...
"Life ran hard in her; you could feel her pulse from ten paces. Fifteen people seemed to live inside that body."

Jimmy thinking about his relationship with Christy...
"Christy and I were giving each other the only thing we truly have to offer: our time. We were going to give each other the living minutes of our life. "

Jimmy describing his emotional reaction to reading scripture related to marriage...
"Its like a son, you know? You've forgotten about it, but then it comes on the radio and you still know all the lyrics and it makes you so happy that somewhere it's still being played, and now you can sing along, like you life isn't passing you by at a zillion fuckin' miles per hour."

Jimmy thinking...
"I like it when things break down. There's something about a flat tire, or a train getting stuck, or long weather delays at the airport - any time when the earth stops turning the way it's suppose to - that releases me. I am a child again, curious, confused, not knowing what will happen next. For a moment, a space, a breath,I'm not responsible. All I have to do is respond - until time catches up with itself, the tire is changes, the train starts rolling again, or the snow melts, and the weight of accountability is hoisted back up on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish for a tornado or a hurricane, even a war. Anything to stop the inertia for an instant. Being an adult, the awareness of opportunities that have been compromised, the stunted growth I feel in my bones, is simply exhausting. A disaster striking can be a relief - as long as it isn't your fault."

Pondering Office Depot's Expectation Setting

2008-12-01T14:20:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in the earlier post, my Mom and I went to Office Depot in search of laptops. They had quite a few specials we wanted to consider. Well, of course they were all sold out, but what really got me was the fact they had someone up at the front of the store collecting names and phone numbers of those individuals that were interested in getting the $397 HP laptop.

Of course I had to inquire as to what they were doing with the list. And what was I told? "well, we are already sold out, but other stores might have them and we are going to call around to try and get some more."

I about died. Seriously. It really got me that they were taking names. They would not even tell you when or if you would be able to get one. Fortunately I work in retail and consider myself a savvy and educated shopper, but so many people are clueless. They could easily be thinking that because they are on the list they will get one.

I just can't imagine who thought that was a good idea, or who told someone to do that. Go figure.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Stuft Turkey

2008-12-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving 2008 has now come and gone. I had a really nice time
visiting with Mom & Dad, but it wasn't the same. I mean seriously,
somehow we missed having macaroni and cheese! If only it was that
easy.

My Dad's mom and his brother Rich came to eat with us, and we
certainly had plenty of food. Mom and I did some trial and error sort
of cooking with the cranberry salad and dressing that Grandma Alston
always made. When it was said and done with though, we got it pretty
close to right and I learned more about how to make the dishes along
the way. I almost lost it one time - right before we ate. I asked
Grandma Johnson to bless the food but she wouldn't. Mom ended up doing
it. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without crying. Somehow I
managed to hold the tears back. Its amazing how the little things
catch you sometimes. Like in orchestra rehearsal last week - the
strings play a rendition of White Christmas that does not have a wind
part, so we just get to sit back and relax. Its a great break for my
chops, but it lets my mind wander and I was having to do a good acting
job of having something in my eye as I wiped away the tears.

With Christmas only 24 days away now I feel apprehensive about the
holiday and what it will be like this year. Uncle Chuck is suppose to
come visit, so I guess that will be something normal about the
holiday. That is generally the one time a year he makes it our
direction.

Mom and I braved the crowds Friday morning. We had our eyes on laptops
at Office Depot, but of course they were all done. Target was next on
the list. We ran into a friend of ours and stood talking for an hour I
think. But, we did get a bit of shopping done. Fitting everything in
the car on the way home was an interesting trick. I think the
highlight of Friday was French toast sticks at Shoney's. Uber tasty.

Saturday was nothing other than a disappointment in general, it was
rainy and the gamecocks lost. They didn't really even show up to the
play at all. Big bummer there. I really thought we should have won
that game. I was also a little sad about having to hit the road back
to Charlotte. Sitting around and playing Guitar Hero with Mom was much
more fun that returning home to an empty apartment and the promise of
the office bright and early on Monday morning (although today it was
raining still so it was a dreary and wet return to the office). That
evening I met up with a friend downtown to have a few drinks and watch
football, then I went on over to Tiki Beach and hung with Matt, Shawn,
and the rest. It was a good time. Too bad I can't say the same for
Sunday.

I woke up around 9:30 - was sort of milling about and then realized I
didn't really feel too well. I knew I had been drinking on an empty
stomach the night before (wasn't hungry considering I was a "stuft
turkey" from an entire weekend of gorging myself at the parent's
house). 7 hours later and at least 5 trips to the restroom my stomach
finally settled down. Oh, the joys of a day spent in the bed and on
the bathroom floor. Even this morning I still feel a little queasy,
but now it is becoming the battle of hunger vs. being ill. I can't
really differentiate the two. Sunday was made even worse by the fact
that A) I was so cruddy feeling I didn't get to watch much of the
packers game, and B) we lost to the Panthers. Again, I really thought
we should have one that game. From what I did catch of the game it
seemed as if the Packers at least showed up to play, which is more
than the cocks did Saturday. We would have won if Delhome wouldn't
have completed a bomb pass down to Steve smith in the 4th quarter.
DeAngelo Williams did put up a big 38.60 on my fantasy team though.
Can't complain about that. This week's match-up (against my dad) is
already wrapped up. I have 153.54 and he has 132.82. I still have
Andre Johnson and Maurice J-D left to play tonight too. Securely in
second place for the playoff I have a bye next week - and then I just
gotta hope my boys keep it up. Scot is going to be 12-0 going into it
and has scores 1890 pts this season while I only have 1796. Just gotta
keep my fingers crossed.

Well, another lunch break wasted. I've been working on eating Wild
Mushroom Bisque. I think it is going to stay down.

So long for now.

Kitty Khronicles: Week 3/4

2008-12-01T10:46:00.001-05:00

Week 3 brought the introduction of the laser pointer. He also started
running "laps" if you will. Every cat I have had has loved laser
pointers, and Sebastian is no different. He gets going up and down the
hall at lightening pace. Separate from the laser pointer though - he
has taken to staring in the laundry room and running the u-shaped
pattern that is the apartment. As he makes the turn through the dining
room he sort of roars/hollers/or something. I must say, it is quite
amusing. He keeps himself very well entertained most of the time. I
love watching him prance around the apartment carrying a toy mouse by
the tail.

I feel a little bad sometimes, because from an everyday perspective I
find myself only telling stories about he attacks me, or jumps up in
my lap while I am drinking a bottle of juice and then it shoots out of
the bottle and gets all over the place. But, really - he is a very
good cat.

In general I can say that Sebastian is doing well, and he survived the
three hour car ride to Florence and back for Thanksgiving. In fact, he
was no trouble at all. He went right into the carrier and slept
peacefully the entire way. Did not make a single peep. :-) While in
Florence he quickly made himself at home and was thoroughly intrigued
by the wire cat toy that my parents have. I think my grandma got it
back when I was in middle school or something and we have had it ever
since. It is nothing more than a wire about 2.5 feet long that has
cardboard rolls at either end and then it is threaded with 5 - 7 more
rolls that move up and down the wire. The tension of the wire really
makes it seem like a bug flying around or something. He loved when we
would hold it and play with it, but he also was perfectly content
playing by himself.

Ahh, and speaking of playing - he played guitar hero with mom too. She
was sitting in the recliner and he kept jumping up and putting his
paws on the guitar, sometimes even working the whammy bar for her - it
was quite amusing.

I was a little worried about how he would adjust to coming back home
after the 4 days in Florence - but it was a breeze. He went right to
the turbo scratcher and then hollered for some food. Sunday was an
interesting day though. I woke up and had some sort of stomach bug
that had me hugging the porcelain throne most of the day. He was
actually quite sweet and just laid on the bed most of the time, not
bothering me. I guess it was about 6:30 when I finally got to the
point I was going to eat something. Coke and saltines seemed like it
was the best bet. Since the crackers were in a plastic sleeve he
wanted to play because of the sound it made - but we got over that
after one swat on the fanny. Then he just kept wanting to sit on my
chest - which made it difficult to eat and drink. I had just put a
cracker in my mouth when he hopped up on my chest again. In mid-chew
and holding the crackers with my lips, trying to tell him to get down,
and then taking both hands to move him - the little bugger stole the
cracker right out of my mouth. I couldn't believe it. Once he got hold
of it there was no me moving him cause he darted away and I heard him
snacking on it down under the bed. Completely blew my mind with that
one. Little thief.

This week I am going to start working on making Christmas cards. That
should be very interesting considering it involved stamping, etc. I
have a feeling he is going to end up with silver ink on him somewhere.
This weekend I am looking forward to how he will react to the
Christmas tree. Should be interesting to say the least. Or, he could
surprise me - who knows.

Snooty Wafflehump

2008-11-24T17:38:00.001-05:00

My mom brightened my day with this forward earlier. Her Subject line
was "Boobie Potty-Shorts" The idea was that you followed the
instructions and then sent back to the person that sent it to you and
forwarded to your entire address book with your new "name" as the
subject line. I prefer blogging. Feel free to comment back with your
new name.

As I understand, this is an excerpt from a children's book, Captain
Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey,
in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your surname to determine the first half
of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdl e

3. Use the third letter of your surname to determine the second half
of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults
laugh an average of 4 times a day.

Its Only Tuesday

2008-11-18T15:36:00.001-05:00

But I should rejoice because I guess that means tomorrow is like
Thursday, and at least I am fortunate enough to be able to say that.
However, considering I am in a "Its Only Tuesday" sort of mood, the
idea of being here until 6:00 today is less than comforting.

The day has been so long I seriously just had someone ask me, "So,
what did you do last night?" And after I responded they went, "Oh
yeah, you told me this morning." The day has been that long.

I attribute the excessive lengthiness of the day to one of my most
favorite 5-syllable words...

T R A C E A B I L I T Y

Isn't it beautiful?

I shall take solace in a wine tasting and dinner plans with the guys
from our Agency. They are in town for what I imagine will be one of
the last times. It will be nice to visit and converse with them. I
have had the pleasure to talk with Sean several times, but rarely
Eric.

I also seem to be stupid hungry today. I think it started with me
getting a late start this morning (alarm didn't go off), thus I did
not really have breakfast. Just a glass of juice and a piece of toast
with apple butter. I have spoiled myself with protein in the morning.
It really does make a difference. I also missed out on coffee. My
sesame chicken lean cuisine lunch was less than filling and since then
I have probably eaten 10 peppermints, a 100 cal pack of reeces snacks,
and a 100 cal pack of lays crackers. I want cheese and meat. I am
hungry.

Food - Bleh.

But, my M&P traceability matrix is to the BSD level - I need to finish
it. I can knock it out today, but I am being lazy...and this has only
managed to occupy 5 minutes.

Tick tock, Tick tock.

Kitty Khronicles: Week 2

2008-11-17T12:02:00.001-05:00

King Sebastian had a pretty average week. The new comforter I got has
proven to of great interest to him though. He likes to randomly attack
it. I think it has to do with the sound it makes. (His eyes happen to
match the bedspread too - which is neat.) The new cotton is sort of
crunchy - I guess that is how to explain it. He also he likes to be
under the covers, which is really annoying - more often than not he is
kicked out of the room when it is time to go to bed.

The big find for the week was a laser pointer. I got it last night. I
was sort of annoyed with all of his playfulness and needed a way to
tire him out. Man - he goes, and goes, and goes...like a little
energizer kitty.

I also got a spray bottle to start deterring some behaviors. I don't
know how well it is going to work though. When I squirt him he stops
what he is doing, but just long enough to look around and see what the
deal is. Then he goes back to it. I am not sure he dislikes water so
much. Time will tell.

He really is a sweet cat though. More often than not he just wants to
be next to me, and is very good at napping on the sofa. If only we can
get bedtime straightened out..

A "Meh" Sort of Day

2008-11-13T13:39:00.001-05:00

OK - the Coldplay concert Tuesday rocked (more will come on that
later). Problem was that I got caught up doing some stuff for work +
felt like total crap that day so I got down there later than I wanted
to. In fact, I stopped and took a nap at a rest area for about an hour
because I felt so crummy. The show got over around 10:30, so I was on
the road heading home by 11:30 and including one 15 min stop to get
fuel and late night munchies, I made it to my bed at around 2:30. Poor
kitty though, he was very excited for me to be home, but I immediately
locked him out of the bedroom so I could go to sleep.

Yesterday at work was miserable, yet productive. I felt like poo and
was exhausted but managed to make a ton of progress on my BSD. That
included reading all 122 pages of it from front to back in order to
really identify all the open questions. I am down to 5 that need to be
addressed and then we should be ready to submit. The goal is to do
that tomorrow.

After work I was itching to get some sleep and not super hungry, but
guessed I would be later. I opted to roll into the restaurant to visit
for a few and grab some takeout. Got home about 6:30 and slept a
little over an hour but was not hungry. So, I played a bit of guitar
hero and watched some episodes of CSI and Mythbusters, made myself
drink a cup of broth and eat some crackers then I went to bed at 10.
At 5:$5 I turned the alarm off to get up, but then it was suddenly
7am. Eek. Made it to work at 7:30 though.

Honestly, 6pm cannot get here soon enough cause I want to go straight
home and go to sleep again. I didn't really recognize myself in the
mirror this morning. I look terrible. For lunch I went and had miso
soup and sushi with a friend from work - it was good to visit - we had
not seen each other in several weeks. I think the soup might have made
me feel a little better, so that's good.

Suppose to have a big weekend going on - I need to get to feeling
better so I can live it up.

The Value of Being a Good Person

2008-11-10T17:46:00.001-05:00

I am struggling with issues of character and personality. I believe I'm the sort of person that has a good level of integrity, uses good judgment, and tries to do what is right. I also take initiative, tend to serve well in leadership roles, and can execute well working alone or as part of a team. All these things make me a good employee and business person. These qualities make up a good portion of who I am and tend to make up a significant portion of my personality. When you blend all of that with the fact that I also consider myself to be a caring person that doesn't like to hurt peoples feelings, and the fact that once I make my mind up about something I am fully committed and give myself wholly to it...you end up with a person that is terribly process oriented, analytical, is very vulnerable to emotions, but wears a mask that pretends to make everything OK. I often rationalize why things might hurt me or why things can't be the way I want them to be. I might be too smart for my own good.

In most situations I would say that all of these qualities are something that people would look for in a relationship - but I am beginning to learn that might not be the case.

Your Complaint: Too independent. Has the ability to take initiative and make things happen. I think: Don't I have to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of a relationship or any needs you may have?
My assumption: You are used to needy girls and guess you are not man enough to step up and face a challenge.

Your Complaint: You're a good person. Very sweet. So genuine. You deserve better than me.
I think: Don't you think I am competent enough to make my own decisions about whats good for me and what is not?
My assumption: You think you are going to hurt me (and you are probably right, but I am willing to take the risk), and /or you are afraid of commitment.

Your Complaint: You turn everything into a business transaction.
I think: That's the way my brain is wired. I play it all out in my head a million times and play devil's advocate and ultimately come to some kind of conclusion before even uttering a word to you.
My assumption: It is a flaw. In some way this probably hinders my communication skills. I am sure there is a way to combat this - but I don't much know what it is.

Your Complaint: I use my intellect/skills/connections to get to people.
I think: I have to bring something to the table and while I do not intentionally use those things to "make a person like me," it is something I am guilty of.
My assumption: The person thinking this is slightly jealous they are not benefiting from whatever it was I was doing for them. Also - other people probably think the same thing when viewing situations from an external point of view.

Your Complaint: (while unsaid) I am not "hot" enough.
I think: Well, dammit - thats why I have these other qualities.
My assumption: Women can never be everything a guy wants them to be, and in this case my guess is that he is too shallow for me if that is what he is focusing on.

I've been married. I've been in a relatively serious relationship since then. I've gone on dates with 20 some-odd guys since the relationship ended, and while in terms of calendar time I don't know if it is quite yet appropriate to settle into another relationship I know that I am starting to look for that. It isn't so much that I want a serious relationship, but just some consistency. I don't want to rush dating and get married in a year. I have plenty of time.

A flaw: I am pretty much nice to most guys and I am really bad at communicating the fact that I might not want to "date" them and fear I create false expectations in some cases.

I'm not perfect, no one is - but I am just sort of confused by today's man. What is the value of me being a well-rounded diverse individual that has good intentions, is committed and genuine? I guess what matters is that I get to feel good about it myself, and I get to write a somewhat conceded blog post about how I kick ass and no guy seems to want to appreciate it. Now I am just hoping this doesn't come across as desperate of some sort of personal ad. That certainly is not what was intended.

I simply imagine that there are other girls out there that have a similar problem and I guess this is a line to say - hey lady - you're not alone.

So Boooo Boys. Boooo on you for not appreciating us when we would probably be one of the best damn catches you could get.

We're winners. Don't miss your chance.

New Toys

2008-11-10T13:34:00.002-05:00

So, in the past few posts I made reference to the new toys that I picked up over the weekend. I know it seems a bit excessive, but Circuit City had 24mths same as cash.

- Nikon D60 w/ 2 lenses: I've seriously been wanting this camera for 3 years now, and I finally broke down and got it.

- Media Center PC w/ TV Tuner Card: John built me a PC but it was a little quirky so we decided it would be better for me to buy a box and then just upgrade the components that didn't meet my needs. Well, in the store they had an open box that did everything I needed. Now, if I can only manage to get all the right cables hooked up. For some reason the digital audio out is not what I expected and I don't know
how to get the stereo hooked up. Everything else seems to work great.

- Guitar Hero: Legends of Rock - I beat half the game last night. I love it. Seriously. Fun.

- Guitar Hero: World Tour - the full band set was not in stock, but I figured the game would be enough w/ 2 guitars - maybe the rest will come at Christmas. (wink wink, nudge nudge)

- Mario Kart: Haven't played yet, but I hear it is awesome.

- Wii Fit - I need to get my butt in shape, maybe this will help motivate me.

Needless to say I have plenty to keep me busy. It just stinks I can't take my new camera to the Coldplay show. It would snap some awesome pics.

Back to the grind

2008-11-09T23:50:00.003-05:00

Ahhh...what a weekend. It ended up being an outrageous one and I loved nearly every minute of it.

Thursday there was a happy hour/going away party for Danielle - a very important part of the team at work. She will be greatly missed. I only hope that the program does not suffer to much now that she is gone. Cleveland and Denver also played on Thursday night, so Emily (from work) and I went over to Crave to watch the game. I knew some of my buddies would be up there and Brady Quinn was starting (he is super hot). It was also trivia night. Our team ended up being "We Heart Brady Quinn" and we probably would have won if it wasn't for a few botched questions, but having Emily there really helped out. She knew lots of random stuff and filled in gaps that Dave and I would have definitely had that week. We ended up getting 2nd place. Unfortunately Cleveland also came in second place that night. My guess is that they lost because the offensive line was distracted by the hotness of Brady Quinn. :-) Matt and Shawn + all sort of other people from that crowd showed up, and at some point Dave and I decided it would be a good idea to go to Paradise Club with James T - bad idea. We did a shot of Ouzo while there - even worse idea. Speaking of shot though, I did discover Surfer on Acid though. That was tasty and discovered pre-Paradise Club. Dave and I ditched Travis there even though Kevin and Sal showed up to join us and rode back to the restaurant so Dave could head home. Well, of course Brett was sitting outside on the phone so we chatted with him and he convinced us to go over to On the Rocks for one last evening drink.

Friday I slept a good portion of the morning and then got up and Dave and I dropped my car off for an oil change and then headed to the new Lowe's store downtown as planned. "Linner" at Big Daddy's Burger Bar consisted of tots w/ pimento cheese, sliders, sweet potato fries, and a burger with habanero jack, avocado, garlic mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion. It would have been better with bacon, but heck - we needed to be responsible and conserve calories somewhere. We also decided to pop into the evil orange box down there - because it is a special format store. I have to say it was really cool. Lots of neat stuff was in there and it didn't feel like a home improvement store at all. That afternoon/evening I napped (SO stuffed from lunch). I had sort of just gotten up and messing around on the computer and trying to contemplate plans for the evening with Shawn called. I was tentatively planning to go to Gallway Hooker and see Phil & Mike play, but he let me know there was a Billy Sims show at Quaker Steak & Lube over in Concord and that the guitar he was playing was on the verge of breaking. So, I kindly met up with Ziggy Pockets at Smokin' Cuns and grabbed a backup before heading over to join them in Concord. The show was a good time, and it was the second time that weekend I had someone tell me - wow, its good to see you outside of Crave. Guess I have sort of only been going there lately. Brandon and Ziggy were doing a show at Smokin' Guns that night so Shawn and I headed out a little early hoping to catch the end of it - but we were too late.

Saturday I went shopping at Concord Mills. The only Circuit City around here is over there and I had decided to go ahead and get the comforter set I have been eying at Linens and Things, and I knew that the one here was out of stock already. I had to get a king size and was worried since I would not be able to return it, but it really looks great. I just have to get the wrinkles out of it. They were out of some of the accessory pillows, but I got those ordered this evening and should have them in 6 - 10 days. I stopped into Crave when I got back to Huntersville and the entire Ledfurd crowd was in there gettin' down so I figured heck why not...and joined in. We ended up going to Sushi at the Lake aka. Hibachi Heaven (which I think should really be Hibachi Hangover because that's where they all go after partying all night) and then out to the ranch before piling in the van to go to Greensboro for the Cold Ford show. Everyone was going cause his song, "Waffle House" features Sunny Ledfurd. It was a really good time. We rocked out playing tunes in the van all the way up there and I slept most of the way back. It was a late night and really good to go out with everyone. While I have hung around at the lake with all of them some - it was the first time I have really gone out with everyone and I think I held my own pretty well.

Today has been a pretty low key one. I got all my new toys out and played with most of them and have spent the evening messing around in iTunes, playing Guitar Hero, and hoping I will soon get tired and be ready to go to bed. I slept too much today and now don't want to go to sleep. But, I need to get there because tomorrow is back to the grind and 5:30 am will arrive early. Its going to be a busy week.

We finalized scope on stage 3 marketing & promotions and now that I have a target to work towards life is MUCH easier. There are only a few things I need to get finalized. The target is to have the BSD ready to submit on Friday. It should be doable if I can get some decisions from people pretty quickly. It will be a little touch because I will be out Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I thought it was just going to be two half days (so I can go to ATL for the Coldplay concert), but it turns out I have a doctor's appt. on Tuesday morning. I didn't think I saw the knee guy until Nov. 18th - but Friday I got a call reminding me of the appt. on the 11th. So - I guess I will just head to ATL after that as opposed to waiting until 1:00 to hit the road. No point in going into the office for 2 hrs. I am going to stay with Tara in ATL that night. I really can't wait until the concert. It is going to rock! I am also interested to know what the knee guy is going to say. At least it has not swollen again since I had the fluid pulled off of it the second time. I don't know if it is because of the steroid she shot in there, or the anti-inflammatory Rx she gave me.

Friday night Ledfurd and the Piedmont Boys are doing a show out in Greensboro so we are going to party down up there that night. One of my friends from work is actually going to go. She is friends with B-Stikks girlfriend Paula. We are also trying to convince Danielle to come up for the show - but I don't know how much she would really like it. They are a rough crowd. Saturday there is a Billy Sims show at Smokin' Guns - so there won't be much rest for the weary.

I must go to bed now (even though I am not really tired). The alarm goes off in 4.5 hours.

Smart Idea of the Week: National Deficit Contribution Fund

2008-11-09T22:21:00.002-05:00

As I was recovering from a fun Thursday night I laid on my sofa watching CNN and the coverage from Obama's press conference on economic issues. While there sort of half sleeping through what seemed like the 20th replay of the press conference it dawned on me...

We have the largest deficit ever, and taxes are inevitable going to go up. People will be looking for ways to decrease taxable income as much as possible in order to save dough. This year I am actually in a crappy position when it comes to taxes, but it is what it is. There are ways to reduce taxable income, but it all has caps and limits. This is where my idea comes in.

The government needs to create a National Deficit Contribution Funds. 100% of the monies donated to the fund are directly applied to the national deficit, and the dollars that individuals contribute are deducted from their taxable income. So, the government still gets money anyway and individuals are able to save in tax dollars.

Yes, you can donate to charities to achieve the same effect (to some extent), but isn't the stability of our country's economy a pretty worthy cause?

There are surely some flaws, but I thought this might be worthy of conversation.

Kitty Khronicle: Week 1

2008-11-09T21:16:00.002-05:00

Week One with King Sebastian has been pretty cool. I can definitely say that he is perfectly at home here, and today has been an especially great day. We took our first nap together on the sofa, and he has been playing with his toys all over the place. I keep finding random mice and other toys around the house in different places, and sometimes he likes to drag his feather stick toy around the house. It is amusing.

Most nights he stays locked out of bedroom, or gets thrown out at some point just because he ends up attacking me too much or is fascinated with rubbing his head against my face. I imagine he will grow out of the attacking, but I don't know about the face rubbing.

Some big things from this week...

- I learned that he only likes "grilled" Fancy Feast cat food (after asking his foster mom why he wasn't eating the food I had been putting down for him.

- Tuesday night, about 2:00 am he fell in the toilet - which was pretty darn funny. I heard some sort of racket and thought he had knocked something over, but after looking around didn't see anything in the living room or bedroom. Bathroom was the last stop. I thought it might have been shampoo knocked over into the tub. No. But I paused cause the floor was wet, and that didn't make any sense. After pondering for a moment I noticed the toilet seat had kitty paws on it and everything started to come together. I went back into the hall to turn off the light and saw him sitting there doing the paw flinging thing and licking himself. The toilet swimming was then confirmed. Shawn was over one day (Thursday maybe) and he went into the hall bathroom where he apparently started KS and again the cat went for a little dip.

- He meowed. :-) It hasn't been often, but he is doing it. He is also making some other noises, just grunting and chattery sort of stuff. It's cute.

- After our nap this afternoon he laid on the sofa next to me while I trimmed all his claws. No ordeal what so ever. He was just chillin.

- And he is currently being a very good boy and sitting in my lap while I type. I try to keep him off the desk and he is being very good about it. Although, his purring is sort of drowning out Jason Mraz.

Got a new camera this weekend (more info to come) and these are some pics I took of him this evening. Check out all his photos on Flickr.

Lean Cuisine's "Revolutionary Grilling Tray"

2008-11-05T13:30:00.003-05:00

I am eating my Lean Cuisine Chicken, Spinach, & Mushroom Pannini and am pleasantly surprised. Its quite tasty, and the "Revolutionary Grilling Tray" does toast the bread. Not bad at all. I do think the word "revolutionary" is a bit much through. "Super Fantastic" might have been better, but still a stretch. I nominate "Darn Nifty." There is a patent pending on the little widget though. I really wanted Zaxby's today for lunch, but was good and when I ran my errands to the band and post office, returned here for the cheaper - more healthy alternative. Matt Cope and I may go tomorrow. Considering it will be like a Friday I might suck it up and say OK. I believe I will be eating horribly for lunch on Friday though. Dave and I have been talking about venturing downtown to check out the new format Lowe's store in the Dilworth area then going to eat at Big Daddy's Burger Bar. Yum-O!

I'm kind of getting on a roll with cooking though (did it 2 nights in a row now, and planning on doing it tonight). Last night was not quite as good as the pork chops from Monday, but still pretty darn tasty. I roasted onions and tomatoes then sauteed shrimp, chopped them up, and mixed it all together and used it as filling for lettuce wraps. I pulled a chicken breast the size of Wyoming out of the freezer to thaw for dinner tonight. I am torn between just pan frying it and eating with collard greens or something - and - pounding it out and making a chicken roll of sorts with herbed cream cheese. Both are equally good options.

Cat Rule: Leave on Music or TV

2008-11-04T09:51:00.003-05:00

One of the cat rules was to leave on music or the TV when you are away so the cat will be ...well... I don't exactly remember that part. Maybe so he won't be lonely, or something. Either way, today KS is listening to the new Keane album. I guess I will check it out when I get home. Yesterday he listened to the new Ben Folds. I listened to the new Ben Folds last night while cooking dinner. And by dinner, I mean some hella-fantastic eats. French-style green beans sauteed with onions, red-skinned mashed potatoes with goat cheese, and seared pork chops topped with fig preserves, goat cheese, and caramelized onions. I treated Dave because he was super helpful and installed shelves at my house on Sunday.

The new Ben Folds album is pretty good. But different. Its a fun album to listen to. I think my favorite song is the single they are currently playing on Sirius. "You Don't Know Me" is the title. And it is totally possible. I wouldn't say I've experienced a severe instance of it, but know that its a dangerous road. To go through the everyday and not talk about what really matters with someone. And it doesn't necessarily have to be in a romantic relationship. It could be with a
mother, father, or good friend. Perhaps a challenge is in order...today, take a moment (after you vote) to have a good conversation and get into the head of someone close to you.

Lyrics of: You Don't Know Me, Ben Folds

wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?

Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know

You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me

If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!

Maybe it's because

(You don't know me at all)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)

Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah

So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)

What?

(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)

It was after dinner last night that KS sort of let himself come through. Jenny, Shaun, and Dave were over to watch MNF and I figured kitty would stay under the sofa the entire time, but no - he was a total ham. Out and about playing and purring. Shawn ending up stopping by to meet him and the outgoing mood continued ... unfortunately it continued most of the night too - in the form of purring and harassing me while I tried to sleep. Between that and several coughing attacks I might have gotten 3 hours of sleep. For some reason I feel great through - bring on the day!

Alright. Mid-morning break over. Been super productive so far and I can't afford to break the momentum.

King Sebastian

2008-11-03T20:35:00.003-05:00

All hail thee King Sebastian. :-) No, you don't really have to, but do stop by to say hello if you happen to be in the area. My mom came up for the weekend and we were talking about how I was dog crazy (better than baby crazy). I had to run an errand near Pet Smart, so we decided to pop in and have a look at the puppies, but there were only kitties. I've always enjoyed having cats - until Mr. Suki that is. He was awful (God bless him) - and I really don't have a lifestyle suited for a dog, so when we started looking at the cats I was easily swayed.

His given name is King, but I didn't love it, and I think he looks like a "Sebastian," so the name is modified. He is about 6 months old, and the Humane Society of Iredell County rescued him from Animal Control when he was a kitten. While friendly, he is still a little shy, but once you get him out he will purr, purr, purr. I would tell the story about all the "rules" of adopting him, but it would be boring to read, and I don't want to make light of the proper way to care for an animal. He did come with a 45 minute "How to care for your cat" DVD though. Haven't had a chance to watch it yet. Not sure when I will.

But, he is a cool cat.

Check out pics of him.

I wrote.

2008-10-28T17:23:00.004-04:00

I wrote some "poetry" today. I don't know if I really liked it all that much. Maybe I am rusty. Maybe I just suck at writing. But, nevertheless it outlined how I feel right now, what I feel like I have gone through, and what I need to do.

All the stuff floating around in my head…preconceived notions of how life should be, what my life should be, what people expect of me. The past two years have really turned everything about my life upside down and I am thankful for it. I am in a better place and a better person. But what I have not figured out how to do is let go of all the "ways it should be" that sort of got me into the situation that sent my life into a barrel roll. I'm fortunate enough to have some things come easy for me, but more recently they have seemed to be a lot of work, and resulted in hurt feelings. If I can manage to get a fresh slate to start with I think it would be easier.

I know, "cry me a river."

Bits. Pieces. Ashes.

Inside feels like the millions of particles floating through the air as Willy Wonka sends the chocolate bar zipping across the room with Wonkavision.
Tiny colorful fragments zipping around, fast as lightning.
Vivid colors.

Just as the puzzle starts to come together BAM! Hands slam down on the card table and pieces go flying. Bits of picture showing. Lots of brown cardboard backing face up.
Disoriented and looking for the boxes cover.
Need direction.

Grass is so cold it feels damp. Knees tucked into chest. A last look at the picture and the sound of ignition. Breath makes clouds as the flame takes over.
Physical elimination to assist in healing.
Mentally ingrained.

Being a Fan, and Being Proud

2008-10-28T12:32:00.003-04:00

I've been lazy about writing yesterday. In fact, so lazy that I have started a few pieces I thought were good and then just set them aside. But today, I thought I would take my lunch break and actually get something on the screen. It helps that I just finished reading an article on Yahoo! that made me think.

Group Pride Rooted in Insecurity

The headline alone was enough to interest me, and it reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend Shawn about politics. During our chat we talked about our country's spirit and the chanting of "U.S.A, U.S.A." – to me it is really no more than screaming out "Go Cocks" while watching a South Carolina football game, "U.S.C, U.S.C." Since then I've often mused about the concept of patriotism and being a fan of something, and based on this article – I guess other people are too.

When I cheer for South Carolina sports, or anything that The University happens to do it is often because I proud of the accomplishment we have achieved or action we have taken. Yes, there is a tone of it that is because in that given moment I want my group to be better than yours, but more often than not I will be the first to acknowledge our faults and I think it is being knowledgeable enough to know what those faults are that is probably the important part.

On the occasions I have rallied and chanted for our nation it has been because it was part of the moment, the rush, or the adrenaline of whatever happened to be going on. It was not because I was necessarily proud of anything. Because when I think about it – I don't know what I really have to be proud of these days. It isn't that we don't live in a fine country. I am extremely thankful for the opportunities and freedoms that I do have, but there is not anything I can specifically cite and be proud of.

We provide aid to other countries and achieve many noble things, but I feel as if it is overshadowed by declining economic status, poor international relations, and petty political debates. I am not proud that I do not wish to vote for either main candidate on November 4th. I am not proud that the people of Washington feel it is necessary to load down bills with fluff in order to get them passed. I am not proud of a whole lot. Do not confuse this with disrespect or lack of thankfulness for the things I do have because I am an American.

The presidential candidates are campaigning for "change," and they should – because our country does need change. If, when I think about my country, I do not have a positive image and feel as if I do not have a reason to root us on – then there is a problem. We do not need change for change's sake. We need to re-set and benchmark ourselves against a philosophy and set of principles that each of us can hold true and be proud of. Find a way for our nation to embrace a vision of being prosperous and righteous while exhibiting strong character.

I don't know how to get there, or what "there" really even is, but at least I am thinking. And for someone that is 26 and just starting to becoming politically minded – I think that's a pretty good start. There might not be much of a point to this piece, and you may not agree, but if you are at least thinking now – then that's a good thing. I will continue my quest for knowledge and along the way hopefully be able to more clearly articulate the chaos that storms between my ears. For now. Farewell.

eee PC in hand

2008-09-08T20:06:00.002-04:00

My eee PC came in today. I didn't really think it would be this tiny. But the thing is adorable. I know thats silly to say about a computer. A pic will come soon, but I wanted to test out making a post before i got to work on other things i need to do tonight. Love it!!

Good Meetup

2008-09-04T21:30:00.002-04:00

I went downtown this evening to meet with "The Official Charlotte SEO & Search Engine Marketing" meetup group. (http://seo.meetup.com/76/). Corey Creed (Twitter's @Charlotte_SEO) ran the show. This evening's event was intended to provide group members an opportunity to introduce themselves. Everything was streamed live online. There were about 25 people there and 15 online - maybe more. I don't remember the exact numbers. I ended up meeting a handful of nice guys and look forward to meeting up with the group again.

Up at Crave tonight watching Smelly throw interceptions, but at this point Carolina is still up - so I should not complain.

Short post I know, but there are 4 other ones in the works. Things at the office are hectic and I have not had much time to writing. My pink Asus "triple-e pc" shipped today though. I am hoping that it travels and types well enough to let me do stuff on the fly. It was only $249 on Target.com - so I cannot complain.

Working on the redesign of LeslieShearer.com - got most of the files done, but not posted yet. Crossing my fingers this weekend will turn out to be productive.

Fresh Talent - Fernandina

2008-08-20T22:25:00.003-04:00

Last Friday was met with a downpour, and not only rain.

I met Kyle Bumgardner from WebsiteBiz for some drinks/snacks in Dilworth. It was my first journey to that part of Charlotte and I fell in love with the charming nature of the area, eclectic shops, restaurants, and mix with established residential areas. A great area that I would not mind calling home one day. We went to Big Daddy Burger Bar where I found that the sliders, sweet potato fries, and tots are pretty darn tasty. It was great conversation and many ideas and leads for the future. It was in the middle of our chatting that the rain came. A downpour. Big, fat drops that were torrential and seeming to never end. We kept thinking it would break, but finally just had to make a run for it. Only a block over back to the WebsiteBiz office. I was fortunate enough to snag a semi-broken/leaky umbrella though - so I was only damp when arriving at the Eos.

About 20 minutes, 4 wrong turns, and a brief trip through the ghetto later I found myself circling blocks in the NoDa area of Charlotte. I sort of felt like this was a condensed, more college-shabby/non-residential version of Dilworth. Also very nice - and area I should spend more time in. I ventured to NoDa with a purpose though - seeing Cary Ann Hearst play at The Evening Muse. I had heard about this place, but never been. I didn't realize how small it was - and how much it reminded me of what "The Circle Shop" would have been. (The Circle Shop? Idea for small cafe/club I wanted to open for a long time.) The place was not too full when I arrived around 7:20 - but over the next 10 - 15 minutes about 30 people piled in for the show to start. As I watched the crowd and listened in on conversations I figured out that most of them were there to support a girl that was opening the show. It turned out that girl was Amy Coccia - the lead singer for Fernandina. I am typically not fond of female singers, and wasn't really expecting a lot from the opening bands and honestly just wanted Cary Ann to play so I could get back to Huntersville.

Now, I am no music guru, or gifted finder of talent - but by the end of the first song I knew that I was suppose to be there that night. The week had been pretty stressful (mentally and emotionally) and I had an unwritten prescription for gritty country influence rock and roll. By the time I left Evening Muse around 10:30 I felt cleansed and ready to take on the world.

Amy's voice rang true in the small club that night - scooping and sliding into the pitches of the melody. Rocking and stomping to the soulful beats of her tunes. I made conversation with the older gentleman next to me. Turns out he was a friend of Amy's parents - whom I also met. Good people. I could tell. After the show I got a CD and chatted with Amy - asked how much she charged to play a show. Waiting to hear from her about some open dates in September/October - planning to book her for a gig at Crave the Experience - Food. Fun. Fame.

Lauris Vidal was second in the lineup. Just him and his cigar box ukalaili, guitar, and banjo. It was sort of like going to church. I don't think I can describe his music other that heartfelt and passionate. Very unique sound. I enjoyed him a lot.

And at first I was semi-disappointed that it was just Cary Ann & Michael playing. I was looking forward to the whole band, but was thrilled once it got started. John swears I stole the idea from him - but I never remember him saying it...watching Cary Ann & Michael is like watching Johnny Cash & June Carter. Except in this case, Cary Ann is Johnny. The chemistry between the two of them on stage is electric and I felt like I was being showered with joy and love as they played their early soulful tunes. Like standing in a field in the pouring rain, arms spread wide, letting each drop wash away the day and leaving you fresh for a new one.

CD in hand I left NoDa - walking with a spring in my step on the way back to the car. Popped in Fernandina, lowered the top, and cruised on to Crave. I needed to play Amy's music for the boys and check in on business. Josh Jacobson was playing that night and the air was a perfect temperature for relaxing outside. Of course I made a night of it and made a shopping trip to wal-mart. The good mood and great tunes carried me through nearly 5:00 in the morning when I crashed, and crashed hard.

So - follow the links, check out the music, and share with your friends. Enjoy your night. I am off to bed.

Off Coincidence

2008-08-18T11:55:00.001-04:00

OK. Weird coincidence. The person referred to in my crazy unnecessary
rant last week....she is gone. I think she got fired.

Creepy.

Thunderstorms

2008-08-17T15:22:00.002-04:00

I am reading The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. My friend and neighbor recommended it to me, although he said he was not sure how I would react, as the content of the book is around the murder and rape of a young girl. The book has been very enjoyable so far. If you have not read it – I suggest you do. Chapter 16 was the first time I cried though – and it wasn’t really like the passage tragic or full of sorrow. It was about a thunderstorm.

Ever since I can remember, thunderstorms have been something that strikes fear in me. I get anxious and unsettled. Fidgety and desiring of the comfort that is only realized when you are in close proximity to another human. When I was a little girl I think I would hear the storms when they were still 100 miles away, something in my subconscious realizing that the bright flashes and claps of thunder were on there way. I would toss and turn in the bed eventually calling out, “Daddy!” It might take a moment, one or two more calls, but he would always exit my parent’s room and enter the hallway, slowly turning the round dimmer switch so that I could see him better. “It’s thundering,” I would say. I don’t remember if I would crawl into bed with Mom and Dad, or if one of them would come stay with me –but I was never alone during thunderstorms. Laying with my hands over my ears, eyes closed as tight as I could. Praying I would not see the flash. And if I did counting until the rumbling would begin. More often than not I held my breath…”one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand…”

Just as clearly I remember the nights I would stay with my Grandma Alston – I believe she might have been the one to teach me to count between the lightening and thunder. “That’s how many miles away it is,” she would tell me. We would try to figure out if the storm was getting closer or moving further away. And those memories are hard right now. I had a dream with her in it last night. It is so hard knowing I will be losing her sooner as opposed to later and I don’t know quite how to deal with it.

Digressing…

I remember the summers where every afternoon there would be a thunderstorm. My summer between 7th and 8th grade is probably the most vivid. We were building our house that year. Mom, Dad, and I were living with Grandma during that time, and each morning Dad would get his crew and go work on the house early. Soon after Mom, Grandma, and I would go that way. While we would not help much on the house there was lots of other work to do. Clearing weeds, setting flower beds, smoothing the furrows from when the land was a field. We lived on Sun Drop and Nutrageous bars as well as hot dogs from Langston’s store. That was probably the last summer that I had a sun tan anywhere close to what I have this year. The afternoon storms would always start to show and everyone would pack it up for the day. We would head back to Grandma’s house and shower – eat some sandwiches (always with stick pretzels and thousand island dressing on the side) – and play a game of canasta before retreating to the different sofas and chairs to take afternoon naps. Sometimes the storms would knock the power out for a few seconds. The large digital clock on the top of the refrigerator would flash with the power outage and come back on with the wrong time – but inevitably – the power would flicker again, and when the clock returned, the time would be correct. We never really quite figured that out.

It was while living there during my 8th grade year that I decided my science project should be around the frequency of lightening, or something. The hypothesis I was trying to prove eludes me now, but I kept a journal of all the storms that came through, how many flashes of lightning there were, and how long until the thunder. I made some graphs, and diagrams of what caused lightning to occur. Grandma helped me do a paper mache cloud and we used fuzzy red and blue balls to illustrate the particles within the cloud that generated each bolt. To accompany my tri-fold display I played a soundtrack of thunderstorms.

There was my junior year in high school – actually – August, right before my senior year started. I had gotten tickets to see Dave Matthews Band for my birthday. Mom and Dad let me take my boyfriend at the time, Jason Andrew Wylie. It was the hottest bloody day. So hot – and the sweat poured off of us. The heat built massive thunderstorms and driving home from Charlotte I laid with my head in Jason’s lap and just wanted to storms to go away.

I think storms over the ocean though are beautiful. Each summer we would always go to the beach for two weeks. Once after school got out, and again before it would go back in session. Dad would only ever come for one night – maybe two. Other than that it was just Mom, Grandma, and me. Sometimes I would have a friend come for a few days. But Dad would love it if there was a thunderstorm over the ocean we could sit and watch. The lightening streaking across the vast sky above the water was pretty amazing, and I tried to be brave and watch it with him.

When married to Justin, on the nights with storms I would sleep with my foot against his leg – knowing that he was there seemed to make it OK. I would lay awake most of the night, but eventually fall asleep from exhaustion.

As I have gotten older though, the afternoons of constant thunderstorms during the summer seem to have subsided. Perhaps it is just twisted memories of childhood that have exaggerated the severity of it all. Nevertheless last night, sitting on the patio at Crave the horizon started to flash glows of an approaching storm. “Not tonight,” I thought – I hate going home alone. That’s what I miss the most – about being divorced from Justin, no longer in a relationship with John. The companionship of simply having someone around. Of course there are other things too, and I do not mean to diminish anything about those relationships or break-ups. It’s just that the general loneliness is the relevant part here. The minutes passed and the storm got closer. Not much thunder though – but more and more lightening. No rain either. And last night there was some car confusion so I drove my friend and neighbor (from the beginning of this story) back home. We swung through the drive through at Burger King on the way to Birkdale and then sat in my car on the parking deck while he ate and we talked about all the random things that comprise our conversations with each other. Most often it is his restaurant we talk about, or the general absurdity of human kind these days. During our time on the deck I was growing ever more paranoid about the storm, even to the point I pulled my laptop from the back seat and connected to my wireless network to check the radar. About 5 miles north of us was a giant red blob just sort of sitting stationary and changing shapes. No indication as to where exactly it will go. He didn’t really understand my fear of storms, and I really can’t explain why I am afraid. The romantic in me would have loved to hear – “Well, just go put your stuff up and come over – I will make it all better.” (I sort of smirk and giggle as I write that.) My time with him so far gives me the indication he is not really a suave romantic like that – but he constantly surprises me, so I reserve my right to make any real assumptions. The storm never came down our way though, and after about 5 minutes of watching some tv I was off into a deep sleep.

So this afternoon I picked up The Lovely Bones to read a bit. The end of Chapter 16 told the story of the main character, Susie, enjoying summer nights listening to her neighbor sing from across the street. She would stand by an open window and listen to him send out Irish ballads – soothing melodies wafting through the warm evening air. And she “would feel a breeze, and on that breeze was the music coming from the O’Dwyers’ house... [it] would begin to smell of earth and air and a mossy scent that meant only one thing: a thunderstorm.”

”I liked to change into a long cotton nightgown and go out onto the back porch, where, as the rain began falling in heavy drops against the roof, breezes came in the screens from all sides and swept my gown against me. It was warm and wonderful and the lightening would come and a few moments later, the thunder.”

And I cried as I read the end of that chapter. And I sat, and pondered my memories of thunderstorms, and the loneliness that I feel sometimes, and my Mom sitting at home with my Grandmother in her last days/weeks/months as the cancer ravages her, and I imagined being older…

Older, wiser, more refined, and at peace - with a cup of warm tea – walking onto my own back porch. It has a wicker sofa with soft cushions, and giant ferns hanging from the ceiling. The rain is starting to slowly come down and the cool breeze of the storm moving in puts tiny little goose bumps all over my arms. I wear soft cotton pants and a t-shirt. I sit for a few moments alone before I am joined by someone wonderful. And he sits next to me. We smile. All seems right with the world. The lightening flashes. I flinch. As I tuck my knees up in front of me he leans in and wraps his arms around. The thunder rumbles and we engage in our random conversation.

I claim NC now

2008-08-14T19:10:00.002-04:00

So, people here in "the north" crack on SC a lot. Cops are too aggressive, the roads suck, etc. The someone sent me this... sometimes it is easier to claim NC now.

Gay tourism ad causes uproar in S. Carolina

Unnecessary Rant

2008-08-12T14:27:00.002-04:00

OK. I feel fortunate to have acquired some sense of style over the past year and a half. And I have to say I am quite surprised, that here in the IT department where I am employed there is actually a significant number of females that work here. Even more shocking - many of them have a sense of style. But this one lady. Gosh. I am sure she is nice. I think she is a contractor, so she makes more $$ than us standard employees I am sure - but seriously woman. Look at the cover of a magazine. Anything should tell her she is capable of dressing better. Perhaps she has no mirrors in her home. I don't know. She could be the poster child for “mom butt” though. (That is also known as “Leslie butt jeans” - but only in my former life. Things have gotten much better.) I know even I am getting picky when I put clothes on from my closet and thing - ugh. It makes for an expensive habit though. I am not looking forward to the fall and having to replace half my wardrobe. At this point I am already starting to look at things I can wear the rest of the year. The worst part will be pants. That means ironing. I hate ironing. I have so many dresses now and have loved wearing them all. I just need to figure out how to translate them to fall/winter. But, that means hose/tights. Which do I hate more - ironing or hose? Tough choice. Very tough choice.

So, this is an unnecessary rant - a way of me getting out some idiotic frustration I am feeling. Lady - if you read this - I hope you know who you are. Get some new clothes. Non-high-water pants, and something that fits your ass. Fix your hair too, and wear some makeup. Someone needs to send you to what not to wear.

I feel like a bitch now. Someone get me a drink.