Good Fortunes

I've gotten a few good fortunes recently. The oddest of which was "An
alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly." The other three
were somewhat related…

-- A package of value will soon arrive.

-- Your fondest dream will come true within this year.

-- Your fortune is on its way.

Hmmm, perhaps something good will happen.  I guess my fondest dream
is really to be in a situation where I do not have to have a "real"
job and am able to pursue lots of different projects I am interested
in. (That dream is greatly enhanced by having someone I really care
about to experience it all with.) Conveniently, someone I am quite
fond of recently told me that if they were to win the powerball they
would give me the money to pursue one of my projects, and that I would
also be privilege to travel with them around the world. I guess that
means I would be rid of my 9-5 as well, so perhaps right now that is
my fondest dream, and if it happens to come true within the year – I
would be a very happy gal.

It's also interesting that I've been spending a lot of time lately
thinking about the project they mentioned. It's opening a gourmet
grilled cheese cafe. Something relatively small – maybe 10 tables.
Perhaps more – about the size of Immaculate Consumption in Columbia,
but more the feel of Café Strudel over by New Brookland Tavern. I've
been randomly taking notes and thinking of sandwich ideas for awhile
now, but recently it has been coming on strong. Maybe that is a sign.
Who knows.

Re: post

A New Year often brings a new outlook, and personally, the new year
really doesn't start until the first Monday of January. Maybe it is
the IT in me (our Fridays don't end until 07:59:59 on Monday morning).

So what is important to me in 2009?

- No Expectations -
For too long have I been focused on the "what ifs" and future plans. I
end up missing life as it goes by every day. I philosophy of no
expectations focuses on appreciating moments as they occur and
clearing my overly analytic mind. When he says, "I think I kind of dig
you," "I'll take you up there sometime so you can see it," or uses
"we" in a sentence I don't plan to dwell on what he really meant by
it. All that matters is the moment. Am I having a good time, do things
feel sincere, am I happy - comfortable, and most importantly - am I
being myself? It applies at work too. It's just easier to relate
examples to personal relationships.

Stepping out of my head will not only let me enjoy little things more,
but it will also hopefully free me to focus on the topics and issues
that are more tied to further honing and strengthening my core
philosophy and definition of self.

- Personal Relationships -
I've been in North Carolina for nearly 8 months right now and have met
tons of people, but developed few real friendships and relationships.
I simply have lots of acquaintances. What I have learned, and honestly
been quite surprised by, is that the people that I would have expected
to enjoy the most (on the surface) are often the sort of people I
really find to be fake and have little in common with. Individuals
that I am at first leery of, or feel as would have little to offer me,
are turning out to be the ones that are the most "real" and
interesting.

This ties into holding true to one's self. If I have fun in a smoky
honky tonk one night and wine bar the next, does that make me a
contradiction? If I enjoy going to the symphony, wearing clothes from
banana republic, and have an IT career does that make me too good to
eat at Hooters? The thing is that it doesn't really matter. It's about
doing whatever and having fun doing it. Not pretending to be something
you are not. I struggle with the perceptions people in my past life
have about who I am today, what we should all be, and what's proper.
And when it comes down to it - I really ought not care what anyone
really thinks (unless they happen to be someone that adds value to my
life knows me well enough to render and appropriate opinion).

- Self Betterment -
Like many others, I want to lose a few pounds - be more healthy, etc.
I started prior to the new year so really its just about continuing to
do better and make smart choices. The gym part is coming pretty easy.
Eating healthy? Not so much. Lately I have been getting corrupted by
people (but I haven't fought back very much), so self control - here I
come.

- Above All, Have Fun -
All of it really comes down to this. Have a good time and enjoy life.
Last year I lost the first person that was really close to me. Life is
too short. Value time with those you care about and value time with
yourself. Value who you are. And smile.

Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke

The other day I finished Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke. I bought the book last Christmas, but for some reason never picked it up to read. Two Christmases ago I read his book The Hottest State and really enjoyed it. I was not disappointed by Ash Wednesday either.

In the past, when I have read - it has been all about the story. I would often skim to just get the gist of what is going on and not really pay attention to the words that the author had selected. I am certain that my change in attitude is related to the fact that I do some writing myself now and I have a greater appreciate for what it takes to get things on paper. So now I take time - re-read passages and mark things that I enjoy.

What I really liked about The Hottest State and also about Ash Wednesday was the unbelievable true nature of the characters. In this latest read I found myself drawn to the characters because in many ways I relate to the internal struggles they are going through. (I expect many readers feel this way as well.)

Hawke chooses to give us insight into Jimmy and Christy in enough detail that allows you to intimately know them, but at the same time fill in and make them your own. I love their journey through the ups and downs of young love, family drama, and independence. It is a quest for truth and what really matters, what love is perceived to be versus what it truly is, and a refreshing honest look at what much of us deal with every day.

Some of my favorite lines....

Christy talking to Jimmy...
"The truth doesn't need us to protect it. All we have to do is live inside it and it will protect us, right?"

Gordon, a blind man, talking to Christy while they are riding a bus...
"Creation didn't happen. It's happening. Grace will come as you acknowledge how much of every instant is beyond your control. That is freedom. People in this country believe freedom is the ability to choose - I choose a Cadillac over Buick; I'm a Cadillac man; our only avenue to more choice is more money - but choice and money are not freedom. There is a right kind of dissatisfaction. There is a void within us that cannot be filled. This void is our need for God. You must search for and stay within that longing."

Christy talking to Jimmy in a diner...
"Look at me right now. I will never be this person again. When we walk out of here today - when tomorrow morning comes - I will be somebody else, not exactly the same as I am right now. Maybe that is all dying is."

From the same conversation...
"Do you honestly think that we two, here alone at this table, can make each other happy for the rest of our lives? Obviously no, right? I mean, let's face it. Let's look that in the eyes. But happiness is overrated. Nobody that is going to live for more than, like, a couple days is gonna be happy for the rest of their life. So let's forget happiness. The more interesting question is can we build a home together? It is possible? And what is home? Is there a place we can live that is permanent? This little baby in m belly is more at home than it will be for the entirety of its breathing life, and it isn't even born. It will spend virtually every evening, for hopefully the net ninety years, trying to feel as safe and warm in bed as it does right now inside its mama's belly."

Jimmy recounting how he prayed for the Knicks to win a game...
"I realized that prayers a left unanswered for a reason. And that reason is: We have no inkling of what is good for us."

Christy thinking about other stuff as Jimmy rambles on about basketball...
"If we could just love each other and live in truth as much as possible and not act out some idea of what a relationship is suppose to be. To not lie - at all. To be able to sit down, look each other in the eye, and speak out minds freely. To maintain a perspective on the other hand and not wholly judge him in context of yourself. I don't want somebody to stay with me just 'cause he promised to do so eighteen years ago or whatever. He should stay with me because he wants to, because he loves me and believes that being with me is what he needs most deeply. An awake, conscious life, that's all I really desired."

From the "Seven Rules for a Princess" that was given to Christy by her father...
"Hiding, shading, manipulating, or controlling the truth is a waste of everyone's time. The truth exists with or without our acknowledgment. If the truth is unclear, silence is often a useful tool."

Christy describing Jimmy to the Father that will be marrying them...
"He's the most emotionally strong person I've ever met. You can hang on him. He faces problem head on. He challenges me and listens to me. I've known him for a year and a half and I feel like I met him on Tuesday. Either that or maybe I've known him for ten thousand years, I can't tell which."

Jimmy thinking about Christy...
"Life ran hard in her; you could feel her pulse from ten paces. Fifteen people seemed to live inside that body."

Jimmy thinking about his relationship with Christy...
"Christy and I were giving each other the only thing we truly have to offer: our time. We were going to give each other the living minutes of our life. "

Jimmy describing his emotional reaction to reading scripture related to marriage...
"Its like a son, you know? You've forgotten about it, but then it comes on the radio and you still know all the lyrics and it makes you so happy that somewhere it's still being played, and now you can sing along, like you life isn't passing you by at a zillion fuckin' miles per hour."

Jimmy thinking...
"I like it when things break down. There's something about a flat tire, or a train getting stuck, or long weather delays at the airport - any time when the earth stops turning the way it's suppose to - that releases me. I am a child again, curious, confused, not knowing what will happen next. For a moment, a space, a breath,I'm not responsible. All I have to do is respond - until time catches up with itself, the tire is changes, the train starts rolling again, or the snow melts, and the weight of accountability is hoisted back up on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish for a tornado or a hurricane, even a war. Anything to stop the inertia for an instant. Being an adult, the awareness of opportunities that have been compromised, the stunted growth I feel in my bones, is simply exhausting. A disaster striking can be a relief - as long as it isn't your fault."