I wrote.

I wrote some "poetry" today. I don't know if I really liked it all that much. Maybe I am rusty. Maybe I just suck at writing. But, nevertheless it outlined how I feel right now, what I feel like I have gone through, and what I need to do.

All the stuff floating around in my head…preconceived notions of how life should be, what my life should be, what people expect of me. The past two years have really turned everything about my life upside down and I am thankful for it. I am in a better place and a better person. But what I have not figured out how to do is let go of all the "ways it should be" that sort of got me into the situation that sent my life into a barrel roll. I'm fortunate enough to have some things come easy for me, but more recently they have seemed to be a lot of work, and resulted in hurt feelings. If I can manage to get a fresh slate to start with I think it would be easier.

I know, "cry me a river."

Bits. Pieces. Ashes.

Inside feels like the millions of particles floating through the air as Willy Wonka sends the chocolate bar zipping across the room with Wonkavision.
Tiny colorful fragments zipping around, fast as lightning.
Vivid colors.

Just as the puzzle starts to come together BAM! Hands slam down on the card table and pieces go flying. Bits of picture showing. Lots of brown cardboard backing face up.
Disoriented and looking for the boxes cover.
Need direction.

Grass is so cold it feels damp. Knees tucked into chest. A last look at the picture and the sound of ignition. Breath makes clouds as the flame takes over.
Physical elimination to assist in healing.
Mentally ingrained.